Disappointed

There is no such thing as crack resistant...not when it comes to me and my emotions

I had planned to write a blog about the trips we took when Ian and Monica were visiting us last week,but I need more time to sort out the photos and I am not really in the mood right now. The past two days I have spent the afternoon at school for the 'student led parent teacher conference'. Mostly raving reviews about my boys, they seem to be pleasant students that pay attention in class, they participate and ask questions, but then comes the much dreaded BUT....

One of them needs to get his act together when it comes to neatness and keeping his notebooks up to date, no news there, but it also turned out he has lost his diary AGAIN and he lost it a month ago, without telling anyone or getting an alternative in place. So his homework was not always handed in or not fully made.
This boy has lost so many school items over the last few years that I lost count. Water bottles, sweaters, lunchboxes, pens, the list is endless. He is either very careless or very unlucky, but the thing that gets me is the fact that he doesn't seem to care. I freak out when I misplace something and think it is lost, he won't even search for his.
Last night I saw his lunch card/library card/school ID had gone missing AGAIN from his key cord, I am ashamed to admit it drove me to tears.

Another thing that I was shocked to find out is that one of our beloved teenagers had not studied for 3 different tests. For one I could see why, because he was ill and at home on the day of the test and had to sit it unexpectedly the next day, but the other two he just didn't study for. Couldn't be bothered apparently....
Still got a pass on those tests... so he got proof there is no need to put any effort in...how do you reason against that with a hormone overloaded teenager?

I had to repeat a year in high school because I got so stressed about tests that I had black outs. I would study till late at night and then get up early the next morning to revise again just to find I couldn't remember a thing as soon as the test papers hit my desk.
I lost a bracelet while walking the dog when I was about 12. I searched and searched the area for several days and never found it. I cried and cried and till this day still feel a little twist in my stomach when I think about it.

How did I end up with children that seem to care less? Is it my over-controlling style of parenting? Do I freak out so much that they feel they don't have to anymore? Is it a boy-girl thing?
Why do I feel like I should have/could have done more to make sure these boys have their act together? Why do I feel I have failed???
I know I am over reacting, no need to point that out, thanks, so I am working hard on controlling my need to controle. Letting go is hard!
I love my children so much and I want them to make the most of their life, but it is up to them and they need to make their mistakes.

To summarize it all: I am mostly disappointed in myself I guess. I should probably have a long session with my dear sister in law, she is a psychologist. Sometimes it is a pity I don't drink ;-)

Ok, deep breaths, let it go. OOOOOHHHHHHMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

Writing this down helps, so thanks for listening ;-) I will post a more fun filled blog soon, with all the adventures we had with Ian and Monica.